Han

Han is a grievance, an anger, a resentment. It’s a bitterness at not accomplishing or getting something in life because of circumstances beyond your control. Usually, there’s some kind of injustice involved. It can go on for a lifetime and never get resolved.

Imagine being one of nine kids in a very poor family in some village in Korea 50 years ago. Your parents can only afford to send your oldest brother to college. He becomes rich and successful. You become poor and destitute the rest of your life. That’s Han.

Imagine being a Korean woman who spends her entire life serving others- first your father and older brothers, then your husband, then your sons and other children. You always suppress your needs and wants, always sacrificing for others. You never get to pursue any of your dreams. That’s Han.

Collectively, Koreans consider themselves a people “full of Han”. They feel this way because of the enormous amount of tragedy and suffering they’ve gone through historically- a millenia of invasions by the Chinese and Japanese, colonial occupation by the Japanese in the first half of the 20th century, national division, the Korean War, dictatorship, economic exploitation, etc.

Historically, they feel they have not been able to reach their potential due to limitations of size, geography, resources, politics and misfortune. Korea is a relatively smaller country sandwiched between much larger powers- China and Japan. In modern times, that’s also included the U.S. As a result, Korea has always felt dominated by others and has had to jockey for position and status amongst these countries.

Han indelibly affects the Korean character. For years, Korean movies and plays only had themes of tragedy and pathos. Traditional Korean music is full of soulful lamentation and wailing. Everything is so full of intensity and drama.

There are definitely negative aspects to harboring feelings of Han. It can lead to a lot of bitching and moaning, a sense of victimhood and even self-destructive behavior. Koreans can be good at all of these.

One of the reasons why the South Korean economy has developed so rapidly in the last 50 years is that there was so much pent up amibition and desire that finally got released. Korea gained independence from Japan in 1945. Koreans hunger for accomplishment and achievement because they were always so repressed and oppressed previously.

Nowadays, I don’t hear Koreans talk about Han as much. Korean movies deal with a variety of themes and K-pop exhibits light-hearted exuberance. There is generally an air of energy and optimism in South Korea today. Perhaps with a thriving economy, a vibrant democracy, and hopes for reunification, there’s never been so much to feel hopeful about, as there is now.

Touch My Body

So I went to a high school friend’s 40th birthday bash last weekend. It was at a hotel with many of our old friends in attendance. There was dinner, dancing and a hosted bar.

I was standing in line to get a drink when I struck up a conversation with a very pretty, young white woman who was standing next to me. Her name was Cindy.

Cindy was very friendly and pleasant. After getting our drinks, we continued our conversation. She was very, very nice to me and at some point, asked me to dance.

She seemed pleasant enough so I obliged her. I thought nothing of it until a Rick James song came on and she started to “get down and get funky” to the point where she was bumping and grinding against my body. I thought- “Wait a minute, is she coming onto me?”

Crazy thoughts entered my head. Have race relations in America changed so much that white women are attracted to Asian men now? Since when? How come we overcame and no one told me?

Asian men get the short end of the stick in the dating scene in America because so many Asian women date outside of the Asian community and white women tend not to date Asian men.

I deal with a similar dynamic in the gay community so I’m very sympathetic to the plight of my straight Asian male brothers.

At some point, between the bumps and the grinds, Cindy asked me if the friend I came with was “my partner”. In a split second, Cindy burst my Asian male, stud muffin bubble. Apparently I must have said her outfit was cute one too many times.

Oh well! Like Fiddler said to Kunta Kinte after Kunta was whipped into submission by the white slave master in “Roots”- “There will be anotha day! There will be anotha day!”

An Amazing Moment on American Television

I could have shat in my Korean pants.

I was watching “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” on TV yesterday.  Jon & Kate is a reality show on the TLC channel that chronicles the lives of the Gosselin family made up of a mom and a dad, twin girls and a set of sextuplets.  The show chronicles all the joys and craziness of raising 8 kids.

The show is extremely popular right now and a stand out characteristic of the family is that the father Jon is half-Korean and the mom Kate is a blond white woman.  Though the show doesn’t emphasize this fact so much, Jon is very visibly Korean and so are the kids, making them the most visible Asian family on television.

On yesterday’s episode, Jon & Kate were answering viewers emails on a variety of topics.  One viewer asked Kate whether she was concerned that her children were going to look more Asian than white when they were born.

Her answer was amazing.  She responded by saying that she’s thrilled her kids look Korean and that she wished she looked Korean also so that they would all look MORE Korean.  She loves the way Asians look and wouldn’t have it any other way.

This has got to be the most positive affirmation of Asians and Koreans on American television EVER.  The nice thing also is that Kate sounded completely natural.  She didn’t sound freakish or anything.  Kate’s also a very attractive, All-American woman, probably from the Midwest or something.

Overall, the show does a wonderful job of chronicling the crazy & hectic lives of one All-American, wholesome family that happens to consist of 8 kids and that happens to look visibly Asian.

A 1000 kudos to Jon & Kate!

The Life & Times of Gay Men

The biggest problem facing gay men today isn’t gay bashing, discrimination or homophobia. The biggest problem facing gay men today is LONELINESS.

It seems like way too many of us are single and alone. We just can’t seem to get together and stay together. Amongst my gay male friends, 50% have been perpetually single for the last 15 years, another 40% get into short term relationships which don’t stick and maybe 5% are in long term relationships.

Why do gay men have such difficulties getting into long term relationships?

For one, lots of gay men, being men, are horny and spend a lot of time looking for sex and not relationships. You can tank YEARS on this kind of stuff and end up being alone. Something about having sex with someone before you get to know them severely diminishes the chances of having a meaningful dating relationship with that person.

If straight men didn’t have to deal with women who said no, they’d fall into the same trap. Lesbians don’t have this problem because their female, relationship-oriented sexuality leads them to relationships.

Like everyone else, gay men want to fall in love. Some are looking for “the one”. We seek chemistry and an intense connection with another guy whether it’s physical, emotional or some combination of these. Again, this isn’t so different from everyone else except that gay dating is very far removed from the traditional reasons why people got married- which was to procreate, start families and be bound by duties and obligations. Gay dating is the ultimate culmination of modern dating.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. Who doesn’t want to fall crazy in love? It’s just that this makes gay dating and relationships fragile and extremely challenging because they rest completely on the strength of the interpersonal bond between two people. There are not necessarily any kids that can act as glue, as in straight relationships, for better and for worse. If one party to a gay relationship stops feeling “it”, the relationship can fall apart very easily.

Perhaps gay relationships require more communication and compromise because of this. Perhaps we gay men should inject more of those traditional notions of duty and obligation into our relationships.

Lastly, gay men are not subject to a “social clock”. Unlike straight people, gay men and lesbians don’t have socially enforced “deadlines” telling us by what age we need to get married and have kids by, for better and for worse. For the better because we’re not socially constricted and we’re free to set the course of our own lives. For the worse because some of us can fall into the trap of never setting a deadline for getting into a relationship and then end up never making it happen.

I’m not suggesting that this is an exhaustive list for why so many gay men are chronically single. Each individual is different and may have his own reasons for why he can or can’t get into a relationship. Also, some gay men are happy being single and that’s fine.

“Modern straights” are dealing with a lot of the same issues.

It seems too that things are slowly changing. More gay men are becoming relationship-minded and are entering LTR’s. With the advent of same-sex marriage, we’re sure to see some real changes afoot.

In the meantime, what to do if you’re a gay man looking for a long term relationship? Keep trying. Don’t give up. Keep in mind the reality that’s out there but look for other gay men who are relationship-minded, even though it may seem they’re a minority.

Reality and What Meets the Eye

Reality isn’t always defined by what’s most visible. In the early 1990s I lived very close to West Hollywood. It was my first exposure to the gay world after college. It was a shallow scene where appearance was paramount and people were flat and boring and liked to party all the time. I felt alienated and I thought that was how the gay world was.

What I now realize is that that wasn’t the entirety of the gay community but only what was just the most visible. I now know there are many other types of gay men but the only ones who stood out were those who were part of “the scene”.

What this means is that you don’t have to accept what is naturally shown to you as being what the world is. Not only are there other types of people out there, somewhere, but you also have the ability to change the world too. Nowadays with the internet, you can find other types of people out there and even start new communities of people. For me that means finding people who are interesting and have some substance.

Gay subculture with its emphasis on looks, partying and drugs continues to be the most visible part of the gay community. Now I know better.

Being Asian in America

What is it that bugs me about being Asian in America? It’s the massive proliferation of white people. They’re everywhere- in magazines, movies, TV’s, on the street.

Why does this bug me? It comes from my experience of growing up here in the U.S. as an Asian person. When you’re a child of color and you’re only surrounded by images of white people, that tends to mess with your brain and psyche. You feel excluded and marginalized. It negates your sense of self.

Asians who grew up in Asia don’t have this problem. They were surrounded by positive images of Asians all through their childhood and they carry that confidence with them when they come to the U.S.

When I’m in Korea, I don’t feel this problem because there are tons of positive images of Koreans everywhere. Part of my psyche is at peace and I don’t think about these minority issues.

Slowly but surely the landscape of American pop imagery is changing and we’re seeing more and more Asians and people of color in the media and entertainment. In the meantime, I and other people of color have to grin and bear it.

How To Make Your Life Happen

First, picture what you want.  You need a little quiet time and space to yourself to get a grip on this.

If it’s a career issue, picture what it would look like for you to be doing something you love.  If it’s your love life, picture what it would look and feel like.

Then start taking baby steps towards this goal to keep alive the vision.  Doing a little bit each day keeps that goal alive.

Get support from other people for your vision.  Doubts and other obstacles will present themselves and you need other people to support you when you lose motivation, energy or clarity of purpose.

A Strangely Inverted Community- Gay Asian Men in America

Something happened when I came out and it’s thrown my gay experience off.  It’s the phenomenon of race.

I came out in the late 1980s and what I discoverered pretty immediately was that the gay community consisted mostly of gay white males.  The few gay Asians that existed were mostly attracted to white men.

While the number of gay Asians has increased dramatically, it still remains true that a disproportionate number of them are attracted mainly to white men and not to other Asian men.  This phenomenon is somewhat true among Latino and black gay men but doesn’t seem as prevalant with these two groups.

My experience around this has been so negative that it’s somehow gotten into my head that whenever I see a gay Asian male, I assume he’s mainly attracted to white men so I don’t even attempt to “go for it”.  As a gay Asian male who is attracted primarily to Asian men, this puts me in a nasty predicament.

It’s sad that gay Asian men who are naturally attracted to other gay Asian men find themselves in a minority within a minority within a minority.  Gay white men don’t have to deal with this dilemma.

It’s tempting to get super angry and blame others- white-centric gay Asian men, white men, the U.S.  I have and do “rage against the system” at times.

Instead, I’m better off finding other gay Asian men who are more my persuasion, even though it takes a little more effort.

Thank goodness, in Asia, potato-queenism is the exception and most gay Asians in Asia prefer to date other Asian men.  It’s as natural for them as breathing.  At least I have that as a touchstone.

At the same time, I don’t want to get too hung up on this issue because some of my dating dilemmas have nothing to do with this strange racial predicament.

Full Empowerment

What would it look like if Asians in the United States were fully empowered and self-actualized?

We would see Asians excelling in every arena of American life including politics, sports, the arts, literature, media, the movies, etc. We’re not doing too shabby in the areas of education, the professions and business and we’re making slow progress in the rest. Thanks to our 1st generation parents, we have a somewhat firm economic base and more and more of us are moving into non-traditional fields.

Fortunately, many areas of American life are open to us and it’s mainly up to us to make our mark. If we experience discrimination and barriers in the establishment (which still exist), it’s up to us to overcome them. It we can’t overcome them, we need to make the system fairer. If that doesn’t work, we need to strike out on our own and create our own companies, movies, sports teams, etc. We don’t have to employ these strategies in the order I just mentioned.

In doing this, I hope we don’t lose our traditional cultural identities completely and instead leave a little “Asian imprint” on American culture. Many of us are doing this in the fields we are entering into.

Unfortunately, at the time of this writing, there is still a sore lack of Asians in media and culture. That’s slowly changing but it seems most people we see on TV, the movies and in magazines are white. Hopefully, more and more Asians will be entering the entertainment and media fields and will change the shape of American pop culture. I hope Asians don’t just work behind the scenes constantly creating only western cultural products that only star white people and contain western themes for a white audience.

Someday, it won’t be such a novelty to see Asians in the media. Someday, no one will think twice to see an Asian action hero or lead, male or female. You’ll see a variety of Asians and other people of color in all kinds of roles.

Someday, we Asians will not have to walk into any situation and think twice about whether their Asianness will be an issue. We simply won’t have any more discrimination against Asians or other people of color. Someday. Hopefully soon.

SsanKkaPool vs That Good Old Epicanthic Fold

My first exposure to “Ssankkapool” surgery occurred when my sister told me our mom had it done sometime before she got married. I was 12 years old. It came as a complete surprise. When we asked my mom about it she seemed to want to avoid the question.

Ssankkapool is what Koreans call the “line” or crease that westerners have on their eyelids. It makes western eyes look bigger and gives non-Asians their western look. Most Asians don’t have this crease, causing our eyes to look “slanted”, “sharper” and smaller from the western perspective. Not having the crease gives us Asians our distinct and unique Asian look.

Asians can get “ssankkapool soosool” or eyelid surgery to get that crease and make our eyes look western. This surgery has become extremely common in Japan, South Korea and China and in the Asian diaspora. Many Asian women feel enormous pressure to enlarge their eyes because of the belief that western eyes are more beautiful. If you open any fashion magazine in Asia, it’s full of models, actors and movie stars who have had this procedure done. Men get it done too.

When a person first gets the surgery, they look terrible. Their eyes are puffy and red. Even after their eyes heal, oftentimes, they still look weird. They look a little bug-eyed or something.

For Asians in North America who get their eyes done, it’s oftentimes linked to a sense of inferiority as Asians. Women in Asia who get their eyes done claim that they are not trying to deny their Asian identity but rather they are just trying to “enhance” their beauty. Having been born and raised in Asia, these women are more likely to have coherent Asian identities.

However, what’s obvious is that the standard they are striving for originated in the West and by having the procedure done, they are advancing the notion that western standards are superior. These women might want to think about it this way- When was the last time they heard of a westerner getting their eyes done to look more Asian? Obviously, westerners have a better sense of themselves as westerners and wouldn’t deign to do something so ridiculous.

Some Asian women say they get surgery because it makes it easier to apply eye makeup. Has it ever occurred to these women that they don’t have to wear eye makeup to look good or that there may be other creative, interesting ways to put eye makeup on?

Another thing that strikes me about this phenomenon is how oblivious westerners are to this issue. We Asians are very aware of this phenomenon and many of us can tell who got it done and who hasn’t.

Some people compare this procedure to any other plastic surgery that someone would get, e.g., women getting boob jobs or people getting liposuction or facelifts. Eyelid surgery is slightly different because it’s linked to one’s ethnic and cultural identity. It’s more akin to Black women straightening their hair or Jewish people getting nose jobs.

Fortunately, this eyelid surgery thing is a temporary historical phenomenon. As Asia grows in economic might and becomes more confident, Asian standards of beauty are beginning to reassert themselves. For example, in Asia there is an extremely popular male Korean pop singer named “Bi” (means rain) who has very traditional Korean looks.

In the meantime, I choose to embrace my eyes as they are. They make me unique and reflect the Korean person that I am.