Language is central to identity. If you lose your language, you lose your identity. This is a truth that underlies my struggle to maintain my Korean identity in the U.S.
Having come to the U.S. at the age of 2 in 1970, I did not have the opportunity to develop the basic rudiments of the Korean language. English was my first language and I always had difficulty speaking Korean.
As a result, a part of me, maybe my Korean self (?) never fully developed. I’ve always felt a sense of incompletion because of this. It also put a distance between myself and my parents.
My parents lacked the resources, time or energy to make sure I spoke the Korean language. As struggling immigrants, they were focused on survival. Moreover, they actually encouraged me to speak the English language because they wanted to make it in American society and lack of English ability was causing them tremendous hardship.
At the age of 8, I went to Korean language school for the first time in LA at the Hankook Hwegwan. I loved it. I learned the rudiments of Hangul, the native Korean script. I remember a 3rd generation Korean halmoni, who spoke to us about the importance of maintaining the Korean language. It was the first time I had ever seen an older Korean person speak fluent English. It was quite a novelty. However, she spoke Korean with a terrible accent and I vowed I wouldn’t end up that way.
The Korean language schools I attended in later years were terrible. They were on Saturday mornings which tested my motivation and energy to attend. With sincere intentions, the language teachers used strict “Korean” approaches in teaching but it only served to de-motivate us Americanized Korean-American kids.
Learning Korean was always a tremendous struggle for me, partially because it is sooooo different from the English language and partially because I experienced so little support from others. Also, we are living in a heavily English-dominant society.
My parents would generally still speak to me in Korean but my sister and I would always answer back in English. We found it difficult to speak Korean back to them. Partially it was for lack of ability and partially because we felt embarrassed and judged for not being able to speak well. And that served as a disincentive to even try sometimes.
In college, I determined to master the Korean language and started taking Korean language classes. I went to Korea during my summers and spent several years living and working there after college.
I’m happy to say that after years of hard work and self-motivated study, I’ve gotten fairly fluent. I’m comfortable speaking in most situations and I read and write fairly well. I speak almost entirely in Korean with my parents and it makes us feel closer.
Most of all, it’s given me a sense of confidence and peace. I no longer feel “incomplete”. You can say I’ve “recovered” my Korean identity.
