Growing Up in a Korean Immigrant Family

What is it like to grow up in a Korean immigrant family?

There’s a lot of pressure to succeed.

There’s a lot of struggling to get ahead, accomplish things, make life better, improve yourself.

Education is a given.  You just try your best to study, no questions asked.

Your parents really, really, really love you.  They don’t express it every day verbally but you know they love you.  They show it by how hard they work.  How much they sacrifice for you.  How much devotion they show to you.

Every once in a while, my parents would say to me, “You are the only reason I live.”

My parents were really frugal and cheap.  We hardly went out to eat dinner.  There was barely a toy at Christmas.  We were always saving.

My Mom was almost always completely focused on practical things.  How much did this or that cost?  For example, whenever there was some kind of car crash scene on TV, my Mom would say- “Gosh that must have cost a lot of money”.  She never splurged, she never wasted a dime.

My Dad wore the same 2 or 3 shirts and pants that he bought at a thrift store in the 1970’s for 25 years.

We were always working towards the future.  Sometimes, I think that came at a cost.  We didn’t always enjoy the present.

I lived a very spartan existence which I continue to this day.

Everything was about deferred rewards and to a large extent, we’ve been rewarded.

It strikes me that none of what I’m saying may be unique to Korean immigrant families.  Many immigrant families do the same exact things I’m talking about.

Perhaps what distinguishes Korean immigrant families is the single-minded intensity with which they pursue their American dreams.  It’s a difference of degree.

For example, when I say that we hardly ever ate out, for many years, that meant eating out 2 or 3 times a year, at most.

Even in sweltering 98 degree heat in LA, we never turned on the air condition.

I hardly saw my parents because they were working ALL THE TIME.

Overall, I’m really happy to have grown up in this kind of family.  It’s centered me and given me a lot of character.

I know what it’s like to hope and dream of a better future and to accomplish it.  I know what it’s like to live a life full of meaning.

Prop 8- The Aftermath

Last week 52% of voters in California voted to pass Prop 8 which bans same-sex marriage in California.

There is an upside to this whole Prop 8 mess.  The upside is that the gay community and our supporters are being galvanized.  People are beginning to understand the importance of gay marriage rights, that this is a fundamental right that should not be denied to us, that it’s also about being treated equally under the law.

A few years ago, there was a lot of ambiguity and apathy about this issue in the gay community.  No more!  People are protesting all over the place and are actively working on the next steps.  Most importantly, there is now a critical understanding of what this struggle means.

If gays and lesbians are granted the right to marry, it will mean that the law and society considers our relationships equal to that of heterosexuals.  Our relationships will be deemed worthy of dignity and respect.  This will have ramifications far beyond just the right to marry.

In my view, there are two avenues the gay community can take to win back this right.  The first is to put forth another initiative in two years or so that would reverse Prop 8.

The other would be to take this issue to the federal courts where it would eventually make its way to the U.S. Supreme Court.

The former strategy is easier to implement and a lot less risky because it’s limited to California.

The latter strategy is higher risk but with the possibility of a greater return.  If the U.S. Supreme Court decided in our favor, that would legalize same sex marriage in all of the U.S. at both the state and federal level, which is the ultimate goal.  Ten years ago, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the highly discriminatory Amendment 2 in Colorado.

If they rule against us however, that would set back this movement many, many years.

Presently, the U.S. Supreme Court is fairly conservative.  Even though Obama will soon be President and will have the opportunity to appoint new justices, the justices who may retire soon are liberals.

If I had to choose, I’d say go for the less risky route of trying to reverse Prop 8 just in California and slowly work to educate the public regarding same sex marriage.

Public opinion does affect the way justices rule on social issues.  Getting the support and understanding of the American public before taking this to the U.S. Supreme Court is a far more prudent course of action.

The Dawn of a New Era- Obama

I did not expect this would happen.  The day after Obama became President-elect of the United States, the world seemed like a different place.  There’s now a greater sense of possibility, hope.  I feel some kind of profound shift, a sense of transformations that we can’t even see yet.

Almost every African American is jubilant and bursting with pride right now.  They struggled so long and hard to get to this point.  When Jesse Jackson cried during Obama’s victory speech, I was moved.  He was representing the feelings of many African Americans with all their years of struggle, sacrifice, perseverance against all odds.  They must feel a sense of arrival, achievement, legitimacy, validation.  Finally.

Oprah cried. Colin Powell cried.  Even Condoleeza Rice expressed her sheer delight, excitement and pride that “as an African American, she was especially proud” of this day.  She never says stuff like that.

Many of us are experiencing profound shifts.  It changes the way we see Black people.  It changes the way Black people see themselves.  It heals centuries old racial wounds.  It opens up possibilities for all minorities.  Now anyone can dream of being President- black, brown, yellow, red, gay, straight, disabled, etc.

It opens up possibilities of all sorts.  Anyone can do anything they set their minds to.

The world sees us in a different light.  They are thrilled and impressed that the U.S. could do such a thing and are hopeful for what it means in terms of future U.S. leadership in the world.

As a half African/half white man who had an Asian step-father, spent some of his childhood in Indonesia and has a Muslim name, Obama gives reason for large parts of the world to find affinity in him.

He ran a tight campaign and brought out the best in our democracy.

He sold himself as a very capable, well-spoken, intelligent and charismatic leader who just happened to be African American.

His victory speech was excellent.  When he originally ran, I was concerned about his lack of experience and seeming greenness.  His victory speech however, showed calm, poise and most importantly Presidential stature.

He knows he doesn’t have all the answers and he knows he won’t be able to solve all the world’s problems in one term.  But he shows vision, hope and inclusiveness that inspires, unites and hugely expands our sense of possibility.

Now I know how people felt when John F. Kennedy became President in 1960.  These are exciting times!  The dawn of a new era.

The Effect of Making a Decision

You don’t really know yourself until you make a decision and act upon it.

You can think in your head all you want about what you think you want but you don’t really know what you really want until you give yourself a deadline and make a decision. Then you see what really matters to you.

For example, for years I’ve always thought it important to preserve you native language, e.g., in my case Korean. I’ve never thought much about how important it is to learn the English language.

However, when I was in Korea in May visiting with a college friend who was living there with his family, I found myself advising him to make sure his son spoke the English language. His son was born there and was in danger of not learning English if he didn’t make a quick and decisive decision to expose his son to an English language-centered environment.

Suddenly it became very important for a lot of practical and life-altering reasons that his son not lose the opportunity to speak English.

Making a decision around my career has similar elements to it. I spin around in my head about many types of careers- academia, writing, counseling, teaching, going into various sundry businesses- but when I do contemplate making a decision- it all somehow goes back to law. Because of expediency, practicality, lack of better choices, more options, safety, security, money, etc.

So there you have it. It’s one thing to think in your head about options but you don’t really know yourself until you make a decision. And when you start acting upon the decision, you learn even more.

A High Achieving Community

One of the highest achieving groups in American society has been African Americans.  From where they came from to where they are today, possibly no other group has come as far.

They came from slavery to a situation today where one in their group may become the next President of the United States.

Yes, by many measures- levels of education, income, crime- there are still many problems in the African American community.  Their struggle is far from over.  But if you measure how far they’ve come, from where they had to start, it’s an immensely impressive achievement.

Along the way, they’ve given gifts to the rest of us.  Their efforts have made American society fairer, more just and more open.  What group hasn’t benefited from the gains of the Black-inspired civil rights movement of the 1960s?  Women, Latinos, Asian Americans– ALL of us have benefited.

America is a wealthier, better, fairer and more open place because of their efforts.  African Americans have truly helped make our society a more perfect union.

The Key to Life

As I get older, I realize that most people act based on emotion and the real truths are based on what we feel in our heart, not our brains.  It’s emotional truth that guides us in life not intellectual truth.

For a while now, I’ve only been thinking through most of my career and relationship issues and it’s causing me to spin around in my head.

If I stop and listen to my heart, I’ll find the answers.

Yellow Peril Hysteria Strikes the LPGA

Things were fine and dandy for the Ladies Professional Golf Association (the “LPGA”) when Se Ri Park was the only Korean woman golfer winning world class golf tournaments 10 years ago. It made them look tolerant, embracing of diversity, international. Now the LPGA counts 45 South Korean golfers among their ranks and suddenly that’s become a problem.

Why? Because the South Koreans, by far the largest and most successful international contingent of women golfers, are not up to snuff when it comes to schmoozing American style. They don’t present themselves well to the media, they can’t hobnob with corporate sponsors and most of all they don’t speak English well enough. Apparently, that’s a huge problem for the LPGA which is heavily dependent on the support of its sponsors.

The LPGA unleashed a torrent of negative publicity with their decision last week to require English language proficiency from their members at the risk of suspension. The majority of articles and commentary on the internet has condemned the policy as being racist, discriminatory, unfair, and just plain un-American.

I myself felt my heart sink when I heard about this proposed policy. It seems completely wrong and unfair especially when you consider the ability to speak English is so far removed from being able to play golf well. Come on, you don’t even TALK when you’re playing golf.

But even assuming the LPGA’s best intentions “to assist in giving them the best opportunity to make a living and maximize their earnings opportunities and those of the LPGA” (per LPGA website- http://www.lpga.com/content_1.aspx?pid=17137&mid=4), the LPGA’s policy really reflects massive cultural insensitivity and ignorance. Does the LPGA realize just how difficult it might be for these Korean golfers to learn the English language and present themselves to western audiences?

English is a very tough language for Koreans and try as they might, some players may never get good enough to give victory speeches in English or “schmooze” with the golfarrazzi. The LPGA should have read my earlier post “A Strange and Tortured Relationship: Koreans and the English Language”. Lol.

It also makes me sad to think that some aspiring Korean or other international female golfer may be discouraged from even trying to enter the sport because they feel their English may never be good enough. Playing world class golf is tough enough. International players shouldn’t be forced to meet this extra requirement.

Also, I can’t help but see a great deal of nativistic and Anglocentric sentiments and biases in the LPGA’s policy. With too many Asians affecting their bottom line, they reacted in tired, old yellow hysteria ways. Too many Asians are invading their sport so they have to come up with ways to assimilate them into white Western ways, if not exclude them.

I understand that money talks and a lot of the world is based on Western money but did the LPGA forget that some of their largest sponsors are Korean companies like Samsung and Hi-Mart (Korea’s version of Best Buy) and that an ever growing percentage of their audience is Asian and international in general?

Thank goodness the Asian American legal community is responding to this situation in full force, with several organizations and politicians responding with harsh letters of reprimand and the threat of lawsuits and legislation. If the LPGA doesn’t voluntarily change their misguided and racist, Jemma Crow English language policy, you can be damn sure, they’re gonna get sued.

Being Present to Life

As I get older I notice time going faster and faster. Like REALLY fast. Nowadays, 30 minutes seems like 5 minutes and 5 minutes seems like 1. And it’s not slowing down.

I first started noticing this in my 20s and 30s. It was a bit of a surprise. It’s like some hidden secret that older people know and younger people don’t.

On one level, it can be a little depressing. You realize how short life is and that oh no!– you’re gonna die at some point.

But there’s a real upside to this phenomenon and it’s that time and life become more precious because you realize you only have a limited amount of it. You can choose to use it more wisely and consciously, or not.

Some people get really busy and try to accomplish lots of things. They work harder at their career goals or set deadlines to get married and have kids.

Others slow down and really savor life. They get really present to each moment and learn to enjoy even the simple things in life. Like savoring a good meal, enjoying the endorphin rush after a good workout, spending quality time with friends. Even mundane tasks like doing the dishes or laundry can become enjoyable when you slow down and become present to life.

These approaches to life aren’t mutually exclusive and I find myself doing a little bit of both.

At any rate, at some point, you have to just say “Eh! That’s what it is” and just live each day to it fullest, whatever that means to you.

White Solipsism

Race does not exist for white people.  Not really, not as a daily reality.  They’re the majority, their values predominate and as a result, they don’t have to think about the subject very much.

If they’re liberal, a white person will engage in 5 minutes of conversation on the subject at a cocktail party and that’s it.  Many of us people of color can talk about race for hours on end and still not be done with the subject.

White people are almost always behind the ball when it comes to knowledge about race matters.  Many still conceive of race and racism in terms of the most obvious and overt examples of racism like racial slurs and open expressions of racial hostility.

The phenomenon of race today is a lot more subtle and ambiguous.  We people of color still notice when all the faces on a magazine rack are caucasian.  We notice when there’s only one minority face among 20 on some reality show.  We sit there deconstructing what all this means and doesn’t mean consciously and subconsciously.

I still have to think about whether I’m going to be dinged for being Asian when I go out on a date.  A white person might have one, maybe two experiences in their entire lives where they might have to think about whether they are being penalized for being white.  People of color, especially Black people, have to think about this a LOT more.

Talking to most white people about race is like talking to a kindergartener about Calculus.  Except for the exceptional white person, most of them just don’t “get it”.

Aware people of color, on the other hand, are subject matter experts on race and are always gleaning some new insight on the subject.  We create entire departments of academic study and write lengthy tomes on the subject.

I suppose it makes a lot of sense that white people don’t have huge insights on race.  Why would they?  It’s not in their experience.

I remember watching a documentary a couple of years ago on the experiences of little people aka dwarves.  I remember thinking, gosh, I never think about the world in terms of height.  Why would I?  I’m not short and it’s just not a daily issue for me.

That’s not to say I can’t learn something from a short person’s experience.  The same is true for a white person learning from the experiences of people of color or anyone who is part of some majority learning something from some minority.

Asian American Ambiguity vis a vis Public Displays of Racism- The Case of the Stupid Spanish Ad

Members of the Spanish Men's Basketball Team Mock Asians

We’ve seen it before.  A public figure makes some kind of racist comment or does something that’s racially offensive.  There’s a huge uproar about it.  The person at first tries to defend himself but ends up apologizing profusely.  Sometimes that person pays a price by either losing their job or resigning.  Remember Don Imus and his “Nappy Headed Ho’s” comment?  Or Michael Richards (“Kramer” from Seinfeld) and his racist rant during a stand up comedy routine?  There’s also Mel Gibson and his drunken anti-semitic tirade.

Occasionally, Asians are the object of the racist attack.  Some examples include Rosie O’Donnell’s ching-chong comments and Abercrombie & Fitch’s racist hiring and marketing practices.

The difference with Asians is that when we’re the object of derision, there seems to be less visibility in regards to the issue and less of a concerted response by the Asian community.  No one apologizes and certainly no one’s head rolls.

This is what seems to have happened in regards to the latest controversy regarding the Spanish Olympic Men’s Basketball team and their offensive mockery of Asians.

Compared to incidences that involve other communities, the story got relatively less coverage.  Just one Asian organization spoke out against it and the Spanish team was left pretty much unscathed from the incident.

Why is it that when it comes to public displays of racism against Asians, there is so much less controversy?

For one, it seems like many of the racist incidents that involve Asians seem a lot less explosive than when they happen to Black folks.  “Nappy Headed Ho’s” is obviously super offensive.  I can’t think of an equivalently harsh public incident involving Asians.  Is this reflective of the harsher racism our Black brothers and sisters face generally and historically?

A lot of times the racist incident against Asians is more ambiguous.  In the particular case of the Spanish Olympic team ad, it seems somewhat offensive but I’m not exactly sure how offensive it is.  The players are trying to mimic slanted Asian eyes but if you look carefully at the picture, they don’t seem to be doing that great of a job.  To me, it looks like they’re just pointing their index fingers towards their temples as if to say, “Look at my dumb round eyes.”

The response by the Spanish team, that they meant no malice and in fact, meant to express affection for the Chinese, reflects an ignorance separate from American PC culture.  From the picture, it doesn’t seem like they’re expressing malice- but expressing affection?  Huh?  I’m trying to fathom how that could be the case.

Maybe Asian Americans have just done a lousy job of portraying these kinds of incidents as being racist.  Again, this Spanish ad case is telling.  It took a largely non-Asian, international media to raise this issue.  And no Asian media or other organization is doing much to keep the issue alive.

It seems the Asian community apparatus for dealing with such incidents is quite underdeveloped.  It’s telling that we don’t have an equivalent Asian Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson who vociferously condemns this kind of racial insensitivity.

Are Asians just less angry about this stuff or are we more in denial about this stuff?  Except for a few bloggers on the internet (e.g., Angry Asian Man), a lot of us appear as if we don’t care.  At the least, we’re just so silent.  I hate to say this, but are we possibly being passive, in a stereotypically Asian way?

Maybe it’s a good thing we don’t get as riled up about these things.  Maybe we’re too busy studying or making money to get bothered by stupid racist stuff.  Maybe that’s a good strategy in the long run.  Get powerful and people won’t mess with you in these ways or better yet, it won’t even bug you.

Still, the Spanish ad seems to have stoked memories of racist schoolyard taunts that a lot of us Asian Americans had hoped were long gone.  My perusal of the Asian American blogosphere shows a relatively solid consensus that the ad was fucked up.  Some are pissed that yet again there’s no really organized and forceful response by the Asian community.  Ernie on 8Asians.com calls the response by the Organization of Chinese Americans (OCA) passive.

It’s also interesting to note the difference in reaction between the Chinese themselves and Asian Americans.  The Chinese seemed to shrug it off.  Asians who grew up in Asia have virtually no concept of what it’s like to be teased as a child for being Asian.  That’s a phenomenon Asian Americans experience.

Overall, I think it’s terrible that the Spanish Men’s Basketball team made the ad.  It was dumb and unnecessary.  I’m glad the issue got some attention though and I hope the Spanish team (and the rest of the world) learned something out of it.

Do I want to see heads roll?  Probably not.  But to the Spanish Men’s Olympic Basketball team, I say, “Don’t even think about doing this again.”